I am not sure which direction I am heading in, anymore. I am a single mother. yes.

I love my daughter more than anything, and desperately wish that I could have another one. The thing is, I never expected to have even one even though I have spent my entire life taking care of children. I am the eldest of 9 kids, nurturing is my nature. the sum. of who I am. I take. care. of . everyone.

After I graduated from Univ in London, I flew to Florida. to spend time with my grandparents. because my grandfather, my beloved sweet papa... was sick.

and i stayed. and stayed. in the florida scrub brush town of nothingness, to be with them, my life on hold. And I never ever regretted it. because I knew once he was gone, the time that I had spent with him, was meaningful and would bring me comfort. he died 2 years later.

and thus began my jet set spinster life as a nanny. and 9 years later on my 33rd birthday, no less I ended up a knocked up spinster.

with a handful of broken memories.

and I can't seem to figure out what to do next.

I am still nannying. but no longer jet set. I bought a house, but I have to share it with some of my siblings, because I can't afford to live alone. I was making a fabulous salary, before I became pregnant. Then I moved back to the small upstate ny town. and make a small living. a small simple life.

when I was a nanny... I was desperately sad that I would probably never have children of my own, that I was destined to care for everyone else's.

and love them. and love them. and have to leave them. and I wondered if there was something pathologically wrong with me, to put myself in these difficult situations. I love. and love....

and never found love that I could hold onto. anchor into. believe in.

that is, until I held my daughter, for the first time.

and it has been love love love. ever since.

but there are things about being a single mother that I was not prepared for.

such as, the way that I love her. the breadth and width of emotion, and how I want to share the experience with someone else, who is as emotionally vested in her, as I am.

all the little moments, all the precious little stories, the one's that you share with a spouse or a partner, or even a close friend.

" today. she did the cutest thing"

and there is noone else to understand. just how cute it was.

how cute she is.

and yes, I want another one,..another baby, we don't feel like a family yet. just baby and me. I want someone for her. a friend, a sibling. I want her to have someone to share her whole life with, in case anything ever happened to me.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but this is what I am thinking about today.