awash in angst

I need to find a way to bring more positivity in my life, for sierra's sake. I feel at such a loss, to find the silver lining in life, most days. because the realities of day to day life can be just so bone weary exhausting, and the summer heat, combined with my lack of finances and time alone, well, it feels a bit overwhelming. i have not had a moment to myself in 4 years, but when I think back, to the summer of 2003, and the night of my 33rd bday, wishing on the stars, with my little precious 2 year old niece. and annaka asking me, in her sweet little voice, " what you wish for, aunt Wendy ?"

and me replying," oh Annaka, I wished that someday I would have a little girl, just like you."

and somehow god must have heard me. because that was the night I became pregnant with Sierra. and it still gives me chills whenever I remember it. and especially whenever I see Annaka and Sierra playing together.

I have to keep reminding myself, how before i had sierra, yes, i had money, and could buy whatever i wanted, could go whereever i wanted, do anything i wanted, see any movie that i wanted, in the actual theatre. at night. with popcorn. and margarita's afterwards, could sleep in til 11 on weekends, splurge on ridiculously expensive handbags, take long luxurious bubble baths, and shave my legs, get my hair cut and coloured, meet friends for cocktails at midnight and mimosa brunches at noon, linger in the book store, actually finish a magazine, take the time, to apply make up and style my hair,

but i also, would wake up night after night, having panic attacks, and feeling like i was drowning, my loneliness was palpable, and followed me everywhere like a shadow pet, and now, 5 years later,

my life is messy. unorganized. my funds are limited. my time is stretched. my nerves are on edge. but someone, calls me mommy. and looks at me, with love in her eyes. and my heart swells with so much pride. and tenderness at the sight of my daughter. everything she says and does thrills me. she is the beauty that i could never have achieved on my own, the perfection that i was otherwise incapable of, she takes away my fear of ending. because i know now that i will live on. in her. and those she leaves behind. i feel peace. in this truth.

sierra's favorite story, is the mommy made a wish, and my wish came true, story. because whenever i tell her this story, she always beams and tells me that she was watching from the stars, and that she saw that I wanted to be a mommy and so she just jumped into my belly ! ( ah, were it so easy )

and I would never ever go back, to the days before my girl, just wishing that my days with my girl, could be just a little less stressful, so that I could really take the time, to enjoy all this preciousness that I have been given. Trying to find the gratitude, in everyday will be my new challenge. but I am going to try. because. I know. just how lucky I am. and that sometimes. dreams really do come true.

here is a pic of my dream come true. holding her big cousin Annaka's hand.