beyond the blur

wow, i have not visited here, in a very long time, but my sister just started blogging, and linked to me, and I feel like I have to make an attempt.

the thing is, I am not sure what I want to say. the truth is, things are very hard. life as a single mother, is difficult beyond comprehension, unless you have lived it, you will never really truly understand. and I am finally part of an elite group, that I have wanted to belong to for so long, that being, motherhood, but i still feel the barrier of my single status.

and so does sierra. she is 4 years old now, and the daddy obession is totally full scale. I try so hard to navigate it, with only my instinct as my guide, but am unsure at every turn. for those who do not know my back story, I became pregnant, in aug 2003, ( on my 33rd bday no less )and the father, has never even seen sierra. He pays a ame, court ordered 25$ a month, and has never expressed any concern or interest in her, whatsoever.

When sierra first started asking questions, I tried to research everything I could, on single motherhood, and what to tell small children, when they inevitably ask, "where is my daddy ?". believe it or not, there is very little info out there, and nothing that i found helpful or pertinent to my exact situation. there are many many children being born to single mothers, due to a variety of situations, including, using donor fathers, but this is not my story. my story falls more into the deadbeat dad category, a label that has attatched itself to my neck, and that i can not seem to shake off. I never pictured my life this way, i have always been a good and loving person, a nurturer and a caretaker. I was a "good girl" in every sense of the word.... dated very few men, and so to find myself, in the d.s.s. building, being court ordered to take my baby in for a paternity test, well, it was beyond humbling. I have a college degree, lived in london for 3 years, have travelled the world extensively, and to suddenly be on state insurance and pregnant and alone, and constantly having to utter the phrase, " there is no father" to every nosy health care worker, or nurse or dr that i ever came into contact with during my pregnancy and delivery and healthy child check up was even more humbling, I wanted to follow it up with a ..." but wait... I know you think you know my story, but you don't... i am not who you think i am... " but the truth is, i am exactly who they think i am .

a single mother. and my prize is the best and brightest trophy that anyone could ever ask for. sierra fills me with so much joy, her smile illuminates my whole world, and every moment and every thing in my life that led me to her, was so worth it... and so i leave you with this picture of sierra, taken last summer, as she was whirling around me, I think it is a good metaphor for my life with her, everything else becomes a blur, and she is the only constant and the total focus of my entire life.